Eyes Wide Open
by Vinnie K
Summary: Sometimes, even the strongest person needs a helping hand. M/L. Contains date rape.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Lyrics used belong to Snow Patrol. All I own is a crazy mind.

**A/N:** So I'm back with another angst filled story. It's AU, Jackson and Lexie were never a couple, only good friends, and Mark and Lexie broke up after Callie found out she was pregnant and really that's all you need to know. I know the subject I'm dealing with is tough and so if it isn't your cup of tea, please stop reading now. If you continue to read, please drop me a review. I'm rather nervous about this. So please, let me know what you think! (:

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><p><em>If I lay here<br>If I just lay here  
>Would you lie with me and just forget the world?<br>~ 'Chasing Cars', Snow Patrol._

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><p>"I had a good time tonight," Lexie says, a small smile playing on her lips.<p>

Taking in the strong, defined lines of his face, his fiercely green eyes and welcoming smile, there is a moment where Lexie thinks of inviting him in for the night. Meredith and Derek were both with Zola at the hospital, refusing to leave her side after her final surgery, April and Alex were on-call and she didn't know where exactly Jackson was, but from the text he sent her earlier in the night telling her he had "scored", Lexie knew he wasn't in since he never brought his "conquests" back to the house (his term, _not_ hers).

The idea of taking him upstairs flutters through Lexie's mind but it isn't long before she forcefully shoves it away. She couldn't. Even though it had been nearly three months since her conversation in the hallway with Mark (in which he told her he had let her go and moved on) and Jackson had been constantly prodding at her to move on and date, sleeping with someone else wasn't what she wanted (although the idea did excite her).

"Thank you for tonight," Lexie says, keeping her voice low. Although she knows there is no-one in the house tonight, she cannot bring herself to speak loudly or confidently, her nerves getting the better of her. "I-I better go…"

He nods slightly, before his smile becomes wider. It is then that he leans in, his tall body shadowing over hers as he brings a hand to the side of her face. His lips touch hers and it is a slow kiss, gentle and lazy as if he is trying to remember every part of lips. When he pulls away, he keeps his hand resting on her cheek, his fingers slowly tracing over her skin.

"You sure you don't want me to come in?"

Lexie licks her lips in uncertainly before she smiles, slightly embarrassed at the suggestion. Of course he wants to come in. And she could… But then she hears Mark's name and if she was alone she would have outwardly berated her conscious for reminding her of him. They were over. Completely over. He had moved on and wanted her to do the same, and really that was all that mattered because now she is single. She is free and single and she hasn't had sex in a _long time_. And every woman has needs; there was no shame in admitting that.

But then…

_Mark_.

Lexie sighs as she shakes her head, pulling away from his touch. "I'm sorry," she says as she turns her back to him, takes out her keys and unlocks the door. "I had a really nice time tonight," she says over her shoulder as she takes a step into the house.

"Lexie…" His voice is gentle, smooth and coaxing, as he wraps his arms around her waist. Trailing his lips over the exposed area of her neck, he smiles. "You know you want this…"

Lexie lets out a throaty chuckle. She did in fact want him. He was a highly attractive man and they did have fun tonight. He was interesting and amusing and gorgeous but… But she couldn't. She wouldn't allow herself to be with another man. Not yet, anyway.

Turning around in his arms, Lexie tosses her keys over her shoulder before wrapping her arms around his neck. "I know I do _but_–"

His lips cut her off before she can say anything else. He pushes her further into the house, kicking the door shut behind him. They kiss urgently, roughly, as his hands take leverage on her ass.

Tearing away from him, Lexie pants as she tries to regain her composure. Okay, so that was nice, Lexie reasons with herself as he attacks her neck, licking and sucking and biting her. Lexie closes her eyes when his hands squeeze her ass before they slide up her sides and find her heaving chest.

Before she knows what is happening, Lexie is slamming against the wall, and there is a loud _crack_ as her head bounces off the wall with force. Frowning, Lexie tries to pull away from his eager kiss. "Okay," she mutters as he continues to kiss her. "I–we–that kinda hurt…"

His laugh is quiet and deep as he grips her breasts harder. "You know you like it…"

Lexie shakes her head when he pushes his hips into hers and begins to kiss along the neckline of her dress. "Not like this…Not this…"

"Rough?" He mutters before biting her exposed skin.

Lexie lets out a noise which he mistakes for pleasure. It causes him to push into her further, his body hard against hers as he runs his hands down her body until he reaches the edge of her dress. He looks her in the eye as he slowly starts to push the material up around her waist.

"You were meant to leave," Lexie says, her voice becoming more urgent, her hands grabbing his upper arms when his fingers scratch along the skin of her thigh. "You're going to leave. Now."

He laughs at her.

"But we're not done yet."

When his fingers come into contact with the lace of her underwear, Lexie's eyes grow wide and she pushes at his arms desperately. "Get off me," she says, the anger evident in her voice. She doesn't want to admit to herself that there is a trace of fear in her voice too. "I told you I don't want–"

"When I said you wanted this, you agreed," he reminds her as he curls his fingers around the edge of the lace. "You can't change your mind now. That's not how this works."

Lexie shakes her head when he starts to kiss her neck. She can feel him smile against her as she struggles to get away from his fingers. "Stop it," she whispers as she tries to escape. "I said–"

He grabs her by the throat, effectively cutting her off.

"And I don't care what you said, darling," he whispers in her ear as his fingers push their way under the lace. "You can't tease me all night and not give me what I want."

Lexie makes out a strangled noise when she feels him against her so intimately.

She didn't want this. She knows she said that she did but she wasn't going to go through with it. It was too soon. It may have been many months since her break-up with Mark but it was still too soon. She wasn't ready. She didn't want this. She didn't want this. She really didn't want this.

There are tears in her eyes as pulls out of her. His hand is still wrapped around her neck, squeezing hard enough to leave bruises, when he begins to unzip his jeans.

Taking in her wide, glassy eyes, he smirks at her. "Don't look so surprised," he murmurs before he lets go of her neck, causing Lexie to release a desperate gasp. She pushes against his chest and attempts to run but he catches her and throws her body onto the floor.

He is on top of her before she can react. _Resistance is futile_. She knows this, but she refuses to give in when she hears the tear of the condom wrapper. Her legs thrash underneath him and her nails scratch down his arms desperately as he pants above her, his breath hot against her cooling skin. She doesn't realize it, but her soft sobs fill the air alongside his groans. Her whispers of _please, stop, please_ float in between them as he continues, his movements fast and relentless.

And when it is over, after he has lifted himself off her, laughed, thrown the condom in her face and walked out of the door, Lexie remains on the floor, her dress bunched around her waist, her underwear resting around her ankle.

There is a moment of silence before Lexie lets out a strangled noise and begins to sob, her tears curving around her face and seeping into the floorboards beneath her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's Anatomy. All I own is a crazy mind.

**A/N:** Let me start by saying a massive THANK YOU to everyone who read and also left me such amazing feedback for the first chapter, it really does mean so much to me! It was so nice to hear that people were confident that I could pull off another major angst story – here's hoping I don't fail now, haha. Anyway, onwards with the story and as always, let me know what you think! (:

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><p>Her expression is blank as she looks at herself in the mirror.<p>

Slowly, carefully, she tries to remember every aspect of her face.

The redness in her cheeks, the traces of mascara under her eyes, the cuts on her swollen bottom lip, the shades of purple kissing the skin of her neck.

Lexie finds it hard to swallow the lump that is constricting her throat.

Letting out a deep breath, Lexie opens the cabinet next to the mirror, takes out a make-up wipe and begins to remove the remainder of her mascara. As she traces the shape of her face, she remembers the way he had touched her cheek, so gentle and soft at first before…

_Before_.

Lexie sighs and throws away the wipe. She looks back to the mirror, the surface gleaming under the bright white lighting of the bathroom. Her eyes flick down to her throat and Lexie feels the tears sting her eyes.

Gripping the edge of the sink until her knuckles are white, Lexie leans forward as she stares at the shape of his fingers caressing her skin.

He was her first date since Mark. He was her first attempt at moving on.

A part of her knows that she couldn't have predicted this would have happened, it wasn't her fault, no, how was she supposed to know he would trap her, move her in ways she didn't want, twist and turn and use her body until she was broken on the floor?

She couldn't have known.

But…

It doesn't stop her mind from wondering. Her thoughts are involuntary as she stares at herself in the mirror. Each shade of purple tainting her once perfect skin is a reprimand for letting him in the house. She shouldn't have let him in the house. She should have stood her ground, said no from the beginning but she didn't.

She was weak.

She shouldn't have allowed him to walk her to the front door. That was when she should have stopped it, she should have told him thank you, but no. She should have told him that she was too tired, that she had a lovely time, but she didn't need his help, the door was right there, a few yards away, she was perfectly okay walking on her own – but she had been pathetic and looked up at him with fluttering eyelashes as she accepted his offer.

_She should have known._

Taking a step back, Lexie looks down at her dress and feels a sharp pang in her chest. It was one of her favorite dresses; a flattering dark blue color, knee-length with spaghetti straps and a standard V shaped neck line. It was a shame that she would never wear the dress again. In fact, Lexie planned to stuff it (along with the lingerie she had bought and worn especially for this date) into a plastic bag and throw it away, maybe even burn it, she didn't want to see the clothing ever again.

As she skims her fingers over the material covering her stomach, once again the irrational side of her mind overcomes her. She had shown too much skin, she had taunted him all night with her pale flesh and then she had kissed him only to turn him down – of course he would react in such a way. Lexie berates herself for not realizing that wearing something this, mixed with her actions, would cause such a result.

_She should have known._

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><p>The night passes with Lexie lying in her bed, completely awake. Her body is stiff and heavy; she cannot move or close her eyes. She <em>refuses<em> to close her eyes. When she does, she is taunted by the images of his face hovering above her, his smile twisting his once handsome face just as he twisted his way deep into her.

When her alarm goes off signaling she had to prepare for work, Lexie sighs heavily. She can do this, she reminds herself as she peaks her head around her bedroom door, making sure that the hallway is empty. Then, before anyone can arrive to question the marks on her neck, Lexie rushes into the bathroom. She avoids looking in the mirror as she steps into the shower.

It is the third time that she has scratched desperately at her skin, in a vain attempt to have every trace of him removed. The first time she turned on the shower after he… That first time she had stood there, a part of Lexie knew she shouldn't step under the spray. She had stood there, naked in the bathroom, staring at the stream of water for a long time. The droplets fell at lightning speed, slowly becoming more hypnotic as she focused on the water, trying to push away the voices in her head that were goading her. _It would wipe away all traces of him. It would wipe away all evidence that this even happened, that he had ever touched you, don't you want that? Don't you want to escape the hands that still linger on your skin?_

But…

No, Lexie thinks as she remembers how she had cried with relief and sorrow when she stepped under the stream of water for the first time. It was the right thing to do, she is sure of it. And now, Lexie stands underneath the water, once again scratching her arms, little red marks forming on her skin, marking herself just like he had marked her...

It doesn't matter that her skin is aching, crying out as pinpricks of blood rush to the surface, because all she can feel are his hands whispering over her skin, his harsh fingers interlocking with her own as she scrubs away.

It would be a long time before she could escape the feel of him moving inside her, his voice whispering in her head as his ghostly fingers trailed along her skin. Maybe she would never be free of this, maybe this was how her life would be now – five showers a day with boiling hot water in a vain attempt to scorch him off her skin…

A sharp knock on the bathroom door startles Lexie and it is followed by the distinct sound of Jackson's voice. "I'd like a shower sometime this century, you know!"

"I-I'm nearly done," Lexie calls out, her voice cracking. Turning off the shower, Lexie stands there for a moment, her heart racing in her chest.

Pulling on the clothes she left hanging on the door, Lexie pauses when she pulls on her plain, white cotton underwear. Although it wouldn't make much difference, she had put all her "fancy" underwear, all the varying shapes and colors and lace and silk, into a plastic box before throwing it at the back of her closet. She didn't want to look nice anymore. (A part of her knew she didn't _deserve_ to look nice anymore.)

Lexie stares at her reflection. The thin long-sleeved shirt sufficiently covers the red marks on her arms; however the round neck collar doesn't do anything to shield the marks on her neck. It was a shame she had thrown away her purple turtleneck after her break-up with Mark. She didn't want any reminders of their first night together, however now she thinks that reminder could have come in handy.

Sighing heavily, Lexie has to resort to a trick she learnt in high school.

Taking out the moisturizer and face powder she kept in the cabinet next to the mirror, Lexie applies the moisturizer to each mark before carefully dabbing the powder on top of each section. It was a solution her best friend in high school taught her to cover up love bites. Doing this now for such different reasons causes Lexie's stomach to stir uncomfortably but she effectively pushes away the feeling. She wasn't going to focus on it. She wasn't going to think about it anymore. It never happened, it never, ever happened, and the more times she repeats it to herself, eventually it will become true. Besides, Jackson was waiting on the other side of the door and she didn't want _this_ to be the reason he was late.

After looking in the mirror one last time, her critical eyes flying over her image as she makes sure everything is covered, Lexie nods to herself reassuringly. She could do this. _She could do this._

"Okay…" Lexie whispers before she hears Jackson shout about her being a hot water hog. Rolling her eyes, she opens the door and raises her eyebrows at him, only for him to grunt and shove his way past her and slam the door behind him.

Walking back to her room, Lexie focuses on each rise and fall of her chest. She could do this. Go to work, do your job, ignore this ever happened.

_Easier said than done._


End file.
